


still into you/

by lost_pastelprince



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Crushes, Cutting, Dysphoria, M/M, One Sided Love, Pining, Self-Harm, Trans Male Character, Unrequited Love, boyf riends — Freeform, dont worry, hanahaki, then its happy, trans!michael, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2019-01-25 16:27:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12536092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lost_pastelprince/pseuds/lost_pastelprince
Summary: the flowers are getting more and more painful, and Michael doesn’t really know what to do.





	still into you/

**Author's Note:**

> there's a trigger warning for self-harm towards the end, just so you guys know! stay safe!

God, they hurt so much. The flowers fell onto the bathroom sink, traveling up Michael’s throat and gracefully fluttered down. He stared at them as well as he could with all the tears in his eyes.

Why did he have to fall in love with Jeremy? Out of all people...

The one boy that he had spent almost his entire life with, since the two were five. Jeremy admired the way Michael’s hair was so long he had it in two braids, falling down his back.

The dorky t-shirts and jean skirt Michael, or Ellie at the time, used to wear all the time with his favorite pair of sneakers.

“They even light up! Look!” Michael shouted, stomping his foot down. Jeremy’s eyes widened as the boy kept slamming his foot on the concrete, the lights putting him in a trance.

“Oh my gosh! That’s so awesome!!” Jeremy shrieked, jumping up and down. Michael smiled widely, wiggling his toes in his shoes.

“Do.. do you wanna be friends?!” he exclaimed.

“Yeah, I do! My name’s Jeremy!” Jeremy responded, hugging Michael tightly.

 

Their friendship stayed so strong over the years, through the fun times of elementary school and the difficult times of middle school. Jeremy noticed that his best friend was becoming more reserved and smiled less. It started in eighth grade and continued until winter break of freshman year. He was confused.

Did.. Did he do something wrong?

Michael had cut his hair extremely short, not even able to braid it anymore. Jeremy was even learning how to braid hair too!

What was up?

“Ellie.. what’s wrong?” he asked one day while the two were playing video games. Michael looked up confused, tilting his head.

“What?”

“What’s wrong? You’ve been acting weird, Ellie, I don’t understand.. Did I do something wrong? If I did, let me know! I don’t wanna be a bad best friend. Oh gosh, do you not want to be friends anymore? That’s probably it, isn’t it-”

“Jeremy! Shut up!” Michael shushed him, sitting back in his beanbag. “I, uh.. Um.. It’s nothing wrong with you, I promise. I just.. shit.. Uh, I’m transgender..? I’m a boy..” he confessed, bringing his knees to his chest. “I get if you don’t wanna be friends with.. me.. with a..” he trailed off before saying the rest of his sentence.

“Wait.. really?” Michael nodded, putting his face further into his knees. “Well, why didn’t you tell me, Ellie-”

“Michael.. it’s uh, Michael.” he corrected Jeremy, trying the name out for himself out loud. He had tried it out in the mirror hundreds of times when his parents weren’t home, but saying it in front of someone else was a completely different story.

“Oh! I like that.. Michael. Of course I still wanna be friends, why wouldn’t I?” Jeremy said, hugging Michael tightly once again.

For some reason, unknown to Michael, his heart started to pound and he felt his face heat up.

 

The petals started sometime in between sophomore and junior year. They were hanging out in a park near Jeremy’s house, the sun beating down on the two as they sat on the grass together, watching all the kids play on the squeaky old playsets.

Suddenly, Michael felt his chest tighten up. He was confused, as it felt like a panic attack, but he didn’t feel nervous at all. Other than the fact that Jeremy was resting his head on Michael’s lap, that was a whole separate issue though.

He excused himself to the bathroom quickly, rushing as fast as he could. He stared at himself in the mirror, as a single petal fell.

“What the fuck?!” he coughed up three more, the petals in his hands stained with blood. They frightened them, he had absolutely no idea what was happening.

Later that day, he was researching on the computer what the hell was happening to him. He opened Google, typing a quick search.

_“coughing up flower petals with blood”_

Many different search results popped up, but one single one caught his attention. It was a link to a article about a disease called Hanahaki.

_“Hanahaki is when a victim begins to cough flower petals up, usually stained with blood. This is due to them being in love with someone who does not love them back, and possibly never will. Currently, we do not have an explanation of why this happens. The flower petals will stop if the love becomes mutual, or if the victim begins to fall out of love with the person.”_

Michael felt his heart drop as he read the words over and over again. It wasn’t the fact that he was coughing up petals that hurt him the most- well it did physically- it was the fact that Jeremy didn’t share those feelings.

Deep down, Michael knew that Jeremy didn’t like him. Jeremy had been pining over Christine as long as he could remember.

He wanted to hate Christine, he really did. But he just couldn’t. She was such a sweet girl, who put her heart into everything that she did. Maybe that’s why Jeremy liked her so much. Michael hacked up more petals, his lungs burning. His binder pressed against his chest, making his insides scream for air. He hushed the yells, wrapping his arms around his stomach.

Jesus Christ, why did he have to fall in love with Jeremy? Out of all people..

 

The Halloween party was the worst day of his life. That entire situation.. or the Squipuation as Rich would call it, was the worst time ever.

Losing his best friend and his.. crush.. was the hardest thing that had ever happened to him. Michael recalled the desperation in his voice as he tried his hardest to convince Jeremy that the Squip might do something drastic.

_“He went crazy trying to get it **out!** ”_ Michael shouted, placing his hands on Jeremy’s shoulders.

Michael remembers the tears in his eyes, the tightness of his chest and how his palms began to sweat.

His heart shattered when Jeremy pushed him to the ground, the distaste in his voice.

_“Get out of my way... **Loser.** ”_

The flowers those day were some of the worst he had ever had. They poured out of him, starting one at a time.

However, something began to worry Michael.

Not only did they begin to get heavier, the blood started to drip out of his mouth. The blood made a neat line from his mouth to his jaw, dripping to the ground.

Tears poured, staining Michael’s face as he watched them fall to the counter gracefully. He collected the petals that he had coughed up, taking them in his hands.

He opened the door quickly, running around the house. Looking for someone he may be able to trust. Anyone, literally. Just not Jeremy. Anyone but Jeremy, please.

“Brooke!” Michael called out, seeing the girl sitting in the hallway and crying as well. She looked up quickly, furrowing her eyebrows at him.

“Hi.. Michael, right?” she asked as Michael sat down next to her.

“Yeah.. what’s wrong? Why are you crying too?” he responded, turning to face her. She shrugged, looking down at her feet.

“It’s kinda stupid.. It’s about a boy.”

“I get it, I’m kinda having the same issue.” Michael laughed a little. She perked up, looking into his eyes.

“Wait, really? Maybe you could help me! Oh, wait. You probably need help first.. What’s up, Micha?” Brooke smiled. Michael was taken aback, feeling the tears spring to his eyes again.

Jeremy was the only person who ever called him Micha.. it was either Michael, Micha or Mikey.. No one ever really cared that much..

“O-oh.. Um, it’s stupid.. Do you know Jeremy? Tall, skinny boy with messy brown hair?” she gasped loudly, making Michael jump a little.

“Sorry! But yeah, I know Jeremy.. that’s my problem too.. He kinda slept with my best friend, Chloe..” Michael felt his heart drop into his stomach and stay there. Jeremy.. lost his virginity.. and it wasn’t to Michael. He knew all along that they weren’t gonna do anything like that, but being the naive person he was, he prayed to every god there was that there might have been a chance.

Shit.

A few petals were coughed into his hands, startling Brooke intensely. Michael looked up with tears going down his face again.

“Oh.. Michael.. I’m so sorry..” she whispered, bringing him into a tight hug. No more words were passed, just the sound of more white rose petals fluttering to the ground and the sobs of Michael.

He really didn’t want to face his parents right now, so Brooke offered to let him stay over at her house. She snuck him through the window, letting his take the bed.

“Nope. I’m sleeping on the ground. You sleep on the bed, seriously. I don’t care. Chloe and I used to do it all the time.” she argued, a hand on her hip. Michael laughed for the first time that night, shrugging and shaking his head.

“Fine, but I’m not gonna be happy about it.” he joked, poking her in the side. He flopped on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. “Boys are assholes.” he muttered, placing his hands over his eyes.

“Agreed. Goodnight, Michael. Don’t hesitate to wake me up if you need anything at all.” Brooke whispered, pulling a blanket over herself.

 

Once Jeremy had gotten together with Christine, Michael had noticed that the petals were getting worse and more intense.

Brooke and Rich were the only two that knew about the hanahaki. He was too scared to tell Jeremy, knowing that the feelings were sure as hell not returned.

Michael didn’t want to risk the embarrassment and the heartache of Jeremy not loving him the same way that he loved him.

The petals had been going on for such a long time, he was almost used to them at this point. It was a routine, at this point.

He would wake up in the morning, usually thinking of Jeremy and then hack up petals in his bathroom. Then, he would wipe the blood off his face and go to school. He would hang out with Jeremy, excusing himself to the bathroom once so he could cough all the rose petals that would gather in his lungs.

Michael began to worry though. A late night researching tangent had brought new information to his attention.

_“If the love is not returned, the flowers continue to grow inside the infected’s lungs, until the infected dies.”_

Was... was Michael going to die if Jeremy didn’t love him back?

He called Brooke in a panic, sobbing violently. He didn’t want to die.

“Brooke.. fuck, I found... I found something out..” he sobbed, Brooke speaking in a calm voice.

“What is it, Michael?”

Michael told Brooke a while ago that he didn’t like anyone other than Jeremy calling him Micha or Mikey, and she completely understood.

“For p-people with Hanahaki.. If the love.. if the l-love isn’t returned.. I-I can d-die.” he cried.

She sighed in response, “Yeah... Rich and I found that out a while ago.. We should’ve told you, we know, but we didn’t want to worry you.” she confessed, putting her phone on the table. He sobbed louder, feeling the petals grow up in his lungs.

“I.. I have to go now.. I’m sorry.” he frantically hung up, coughing violently. About twenty petals all fell to the ground, blood pouring down his face.

Why? Why him?

Michael hated himself so much. Why did he have to fall in love with Jeremy?

The only boy that was so in love with Christine, so happy with her. Michael so desperately wanted to be Christine. He wanted to be the one in Jeremy’s arms, the one receiving the small kisses on the cheek and the longer kisses on the lips.

He raced to his bathroom, searching the cabinets for something. He smiled and laughed a little, finding a small sliver of a razor. Michael knew that all his friends hated when he cut himself, but he couldn’t help it.

Jeremy once made him promise not to cut, to call instead. But his phone was laying on the desk, being blown up with texts.

All from Jeremy.

_She broke up with me, Micha._

_Christine dumped me._

_Did I do something wrong?_

_I don’t understand._

_I was doing everything right._

_Can you call me?_

_Micha?_

_I’m sorry for wasting your time._

_Oh God._

_Are you okay?_

_Michael.. please tell me you’re okay._

_I’m coming over._

 

Jeremy ran out of his house as fast as possible, shouting a quick “I’m going to Michael’s!” to his dad, in case he was even home. He didn’t have time to check.

Turning on the car, he sped out of the driveway. At this point in his life, he knew the way to Michael’s house like the way to his.

It made sense, really. Jeremy preferred Michael’s house, it was much warmer and his parents were almost never home, leaving the two boys to do whatever they wanted.

Their friendship went through a really rough patch during the Squipuation, and Jeremy felt so bad for everything that Michael had to go through.

All of it was Jeremy’s fault, just because he wanted to be popular.

He reached Michael’s house, opening the door with the key that he got for his twelfth birthday. Knowing exactly where he probably was, Jeremy ran up the stairs as fast as he could.

“Michael!” he yelled, trying his hardest to get to the bathroom as quickly as possible.

Reaching the bathroom, his heart broke at the sight in front of him.

There were about fifteen cuts on each of Michael’s wrists, and the smaller boy was basically shaking in the corner, his hood wrapped around his head.

“Oh.. Michael..” Jeremy whispered, sitting next to Michael. He knew the routine for panic attacks very well.

“Do you want a hug? Can I hug you?” he asked, waiting for the other boy’s response. It never came though. It worried Jeremy a little, usually Michael was able to respond, even when he was having a panic attack.

“Mikey?” he asked, looking at the smaller boy. Michael looked up at Jeremy, holding his hand over his mouth.

“I’m so sorry..” his voice was so quiet, Jeremy could barely even hear him. Jeremy tilted his head in confusion, furrowing his eyebrows.

“For what?” he responded, placing a hand on Michael’s knee.

“I love you, Jeremy. I’ve loved you since sophomore year. But you don’t love me the way that I love you.. I’ve been coughing up all these petals.. it hurts, Jeremy. I love you so much.. My lungs ache so badly..” Michael rambled, burying his head into Jeremy’s chest.

“What on Earth are you talking about? I love you too, silly. To be honest... Christine didn’t break up with me.. I, uh, broke up with her.. I wanted to be with you instead..” Jeremy confessed, tilting Michael’s face up with his fingers.

“R-really? You.. you like me?” Michael’s eyes widened, his face turning red. Jeremy nodded, making Michael smile so wide it made Jeremy’s heart jump. “Oh my God... Oh my God, wait like-”

“Jesus, Michael, I love you. Like _love_ you.” Jeremy laughed, hugging Michael tightly.

“I.. I love you too.” Michael whispered, coughing the last petal out of his lungs. He took it in his hands, showing Jeremy and tearing it in half. “Fuck you!” he yelled at the petal, making Jeremy laugh loudly.

“Here, let’s get you out of this tiny ass bathroom.” Jeremy said, picking Michael up gently. Michael squeaked, feeling himself being lifted up.

The two nestled themselves into Michael’s tiny bed, with Michael snuggling his head into Jeremy’s chest.

“Thank you.. for loving me.” he whispered, yawning and closing his eyes.


End file.
